Discuss: Relationships and art Submitted by bsherwin at 7/17/2012 2:14:27 PM CST

bsherwin: I'll be honest... it can be Hell if your partner does not 'get' what you do as an artist. I sacrificed several relationships for my art when I was younger -- one ex actually made me choose between her and my exploration of painting. I still have my brushes. That relationship cycle continued with my writing. Pointblank, a lot of my former lovers simply could not put up with my love for art. One could suggest that they felt as if they were the 'other' woman. So bet it.

I remember one ex suggested that I'm "married to art". I did not disagree with her. Another justified cheating because I spent too much time "doing the art thing" -- she felt that all of my time should have been focused on her (I'll choose gallery hopping over bar hopping any day of the week). Another felt it was a "waste of time" (even though by that time I was making a living 'doing the art thing'... which beats stocking shelves at Walmart). Needless to say, I often wonder if other people have faced relationships struggles due to their dedication to art.

How have relationships impacted you -- positive or negative -- as an artist? How do you handle the situation if a partner asks you to 'cut back' on the hours you spend in the studio... or if your partner demands you to stop 'doing the art thing'? Do you change your practice -- or are you dedicated to your 'marriage' with art? Have you sacrificed a relationship for your relationship with art?

Consider this an open thread about relationships and art.

	Sergio Lopez via faso.com	10 months ago
	Haven't been in a relationship for a while, gotta say that this is a big reason for it. Would love to hear from people who have found partners who reconciled this aspect of their relationship...

	Brian Sherwin via faso.com	10 months ago
	Sergio -- I know that some people will suggest dating a fellow artist. That can be bad though... can lead to competition. BUT that can be good as well. OOOooooo the complex nature of relationships. LOL

	virginia bryant via faso.com	10 months ago
	the ONLY relationship that even had a CHANCE was with another artist.

	brandon adamson via faso.com	10 months ago
	I can relate to this. My experience is that once you get into a relationship with a girl, they want to domesticate you and pressure you to abandon your creative ambitions in favor of watching reality tv with them on the couch. I never have dated anyone who "got" what I did, took it seriously, or were supportive, though a couple of them did like some of the my paintings/writings/music etc. The periods of these relationships consisted of very little artistic productivity for me. People who are not obsessively creative just do not understand that for us this is something you simply must do. It does not matter if no one likes it, or if you get frequent criticism, negative reviews, etc. You just have to keep going in spite of it all. I will say though that sometimes your girlfriend can be the nastiest critic, even when she's just damning with faint praise. However, these contentious experiences have always succeeded in motivating me to improve, and led me to examine and reflect on many of my own narcissistic tendencies. Without realizing it, these women did me a favor. I'm at my productive peak typically the first couple months after a traumatic breakup. After that I start to take the free time for granted. Give me a new ex please so I can finish up all the stuff I've been working on.

	Ismo via faso.com	10 months ago
	Nagging wife / partner can be a great inspiration too. :-)

	Brian Sherwin via faso.com	10 months ago
	Virginia -- Have you experienced competition being involved with a fellow artist? Professional jealousy? For example, if your partner lands an exhibit while you are receiving rejection letter after rejection letter... does that impact the relationship any way? Brandon -- You said, "Give me a new ex please so I can finish up all the stuff I've been working on.". Ouch. At least you know what works. LOL

	virginia bryant via faso.com	10 months ago
	actually, no. where there is love there is no competition. i can also say that about some friends that are artists too- usually the ones that are more accomplished. re the artist that was the only possible partner-there were other issues that ended it.

	Jackie via faso.com	10 months ago
	From a female perspective, I find that every man has got SOMETHING that is going to demand his time. It might be art, it might be watching sport, playing golf, anything. And the best way to deal with that is to be glad that their obsession isn't drugs, other women or gambling! For many years I was married to a jazz musician. This meant him being out on gigs or touring a lot of the time. It also meant, for example, that we never wished each other 'happy new year' at the stroke of midnight because he was always on stage. (New year's eve was always the best-paid gig of the year). I think this worked so well because I was interested in his music, but not a musician myself. (I used to say that I played second fiddle to a trumpet). Then with Andy, we are both designers. He is a much better designer than me. I'm a better writer than he is but he's better at advertising slogans and tag lines. His art photography is brilliant; I cut people's heads off if I take a photograph. I'm much more teckie - he can design fantastic websites but I'm better at building them. In other words, we balance. There's no sense of competition. To any woman who is in a relationship with and artist, I'd recommend being supportive and helping as much as you can. That way you're involved so there's no problem. You're both working towards the same goal.

	Brian Sherwin via faso.com	10 months ago
	Virginia -- That is good to read. I remember a book -- I'm not sure if I was by Daniel Grant or another author -- that suggested that relationships involving artists have a 20 percent higher divorce rate than non-artist couples... all because of the competition factor. I'm not sure how the author came up with that. That said, it has always stuck with me. LOL

	Brian Sherwin via faso.com	10 months ago
	Jackie -- That is the 'trick' in any relationship... finding balance. Needless to say, it can be extremely hard for some couples to find. I'd say that Tonya easily reads 300 novels a year. She is constantly reading. So it works out well for me. She does not feel 'put off' if I'm doing research. Furthermore, she works for a newspaper... so she understands deadlines and keeping up on information. The balance was there from the start.

	Jackie via faso.com	10 months ago
	That's the key I think, Brian. About eight months ago, Andy and I formed a proper, registered business to sell his artwork. Because I'm co-owner I have a vested interest in his artwork. This means that I can't complain about him spending time on his artwork. In fact, the nagging is the other way around - I nag him to work MORE!

	Katarzyna Lappin via faso.com	10 months ago
	My husband is very supportive. I wouldn't be able doing all I do without his help. We have two young children so definitely I can't just use all my time and do the "art business" 24/7. I need to constantly make sure that the right balance between the family and art is kept. Sometimes the art events are piling up and it is so wonderful to have all that support my husband is providing. He is always happy for me when good things in art happen and physically involved to help. And I am very passionate about art. For the first eight years of our marriage I was a stay home mom and art was a spare time hobby waiting for time to activate it as an art profession. Now is a third year of my art business and I am definitely treating it seriously , putting my efforts and energy to make it grow. At the beginning I was expecting a transition period where my family will have to get used to more events and times where I am not so available all the time as before. Children of course, don't care for anything what would compete with time they could have given. I can see though that my children got used to a new schedule and also they know that if some weekends are too much for art business, then other are dedicated entirely for them even with some extras. Also I learned that more responsibilities I have I appreciate my time better and somehow I am more productive under a pressure. Nothing is more important than my family and it is the biggest blessing of my life.

	Ronald Gillis via canvoo.com	10 months ago
	May I suggest that we clone Jackie.

	Lucia K. Wolfer via faso.com	10 months ago
	Its all about control. If both people are healthy and happy with themselves, they are far less likely to want to control their partner's time and life. If they really love the other person, they just want for them to be happy. Artists, as all people, need to be true to themselves. If they are not, for whatever reason, they are unhappy. The trick, I think is to find someone who is healthy, balanced, happy, loving and supportive and who are not threatened by people who enjoy doing what they are meant to do. More people need to chill and 'let go'.

	Brian Sherwin via faso.com	10 months ago
	Katarzyna -- Children do add another piece to the puzzle. I have a young daughter... so I understand the art of juggling schedules. ;p I only have her on specific days though -- aside from extra time that her mother allows beyond visitation. I can only imagine the difficulty of arranging time if my little one was in my custody full-time.

	Brian Sherwin via faso.com	10 months ago
	Lucia -- You do have a point there. A lot of my friends come to me for relationship advice (which is ironic sense I've not had the best of luck in the past. Ha)... and 'control' is one of the top issues raised. "He is trying to control me." / "She is trying to control me."... very common complaint. It can 'breed' resentment.

	Peggy Bishop via canvoo.com	10 months ago
	What works for me is to be in a relationship with a well-defined person with their own interests in addition to our common interests. I don't think I would ever be interested in someone who only had a career and no other interests. That person would be too flat for me. I feel fortunate that my husband has both a career and outside interests. It keeps our relationship fresh and allows us to understand the demands of each other's activities.

	Lisa Mistiuk via faso.com	10 months ago
	I met my husband my first week in art school in San francisco. We instantly clicked and it was pretty much love at first sight. He was studying car design and me illustration. We stayed best friends for three years and then got married and finished school together. Now we have been very happily married fir 5 years and have a 1 year old son and a daughter on the way. The most important thing for us is putting each other first. Neither of our careers eclipse our relationships. We support each other and do what we can to make sure the other person is fulfilled artistically. This has been a huge blessing. His understanding of me as an artist has enabled me to keep running my business even while becoming a mother.